Survivors' Voices: Advice for Priests
This month’s topic is inspired by Awake's recent retreat for abuse survivors (you can read a bit about that here), which included time for participants to have conversation or the Sacrament of Reconciliation with a trusted, trauma-informed priest. We do a lot to prepare these priests for this experience, but I think there's always more we could share to help them respond in the best way.
I also have noticed more priests subscribing to this blog, and I wanted to give our Survivors’ Voices Panelists the opportunity to address them directly, with the assumption that they are reading to learn and grow. Here’s what they had to say:
Please keep good personal boundaries. As a survivor, I feel safest around a priest who keeps consistent and well defined boundaries around where he lives, how he spends his time (and with whom), how people can contact him, and how he runs his parish. So much of the grooming leading up to an assault takes place in murky, ill defined circumstances where there are no clear boundaries. When everything is clear, I feel confident that I can navigate being around you as my pastor without having to have my guard up as high.
As a survivor of many years of abuse by priests, I endured years of repeated rapes by the parish Monsignor, and in high school it was far worse. I have an image in my head of priests being monsters. Sadly, I can recall no priests who didn’t harm me, mentally, emotionally, physically/sexually and spiritually. In my healing journey, I have had to face tremendous shame, self-blame, anger, rage, confusion. I eventually circled to forgiveness and understanding that priests are human, too, that many have had horrendous experiences, and that the worst of the offenders usually have the worst trauma in their own lives. My advice to you is that survivors rarely speak up or admit what happened to them. The grooming is too sophisticated, and the shame is too crushing. If you want to help survivors, you’ll need to look way deep in the shadows, under rocks, behind smiling faces and in the perfectionists and workaholics, the alcoholics and those lost in drugs. Dig deep, they are there, they are everywhere. Offer open talks, small groups, essays – anything that can let your flock know that you care, that you are aware of the crushing burden of abuse, and you are there to help. These scared, crying souls will come forward. They will eventually let you know they exist. You may have to meet them in glass rooms or in public (trust is difficult in this population), but they need your counsel. Don’t be offended if they mistrust at first. Feeling safe is monumentally important to them. Be that safety for them. Talk to the inner children trapped inside them. Those inner kids are stuck in time. Listening and holding space for them to share is huge to them. They will thank you, and Jesus will thank you.
Please answer your email. It takes a lot of courage for us to disclose a painful past or even a current concern, and a phone call might just be too much. It's horribly discouraging to send an email asking for help or input and hear nothing back.
I was speaking to a priest about mental health. It was an opportunity to share the research on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), and how experiencing multiple traumas increased the likelihood of drug use, suicide, domestic violence, abortions, etc. There is a reason trauma is the leading risk factor for mental health challenges. He looked at me and said, "Previously I would have spoken to people about the sin in their lives. With what this is saying, I should be asking them - did you experience any of these situations earlier in your life? You may have unresolved trauma." It is not only a great conversation to have with your parish members, but also your brother priests.
Don't assume therapists and Catholic Charities understand trauma. Most of them only recently started getting training in it. Efforts around being trauma-informed are still fairly new. When I reported back in 2010, bishops were sending victims to Catholic Charities because it was their cheap, in-house counseling option, not realizing the therapy they offered often re-traumatized victims. As I spoke to the Victim Assistance Coordinator/Chancellor at the time about different types of therapy, and what types were more effective for trauma, he replied, "I don't even know what the hell you are talking about." Since then, I have learned to use the analogy of canon law and civil or criminal law. You don't bring a canon lawyer to lead a criminal court case. Different types of law require the right professional for the job. Ditto for therapy.
Please remember that your best intentions could inadvertently cause harm, and be mindful of your words and how a survivor of clergy abuse might hear them. I had one priest who (after learning that the abuser priest had heard my confession, sexually assaulted me, and then failed to offer me absolution) offered me assurance that whatever sins I had confessed to the abuser priest were forgiven. I understood the sentiment behind his words, but they also made me wonder if he saw me as culpable in the assault somehow; that what the abuser priest had done was my sin as well. A more helpful response would have been to say something like, "If by chance you are worried that the sins you confessed that day haven't been forgiven, they have now. But what happened to you was not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong."
The best advice I can give you is - ask, don't assume. Even something as simple as asking a survivor if they would like you to pray for them, as opposed to telling them that you will pray for them, can make a positive impact. If a survivor comes to you, ask how you can help. It's O.K. to admit that you're not sure what to say or do, but be willing to listen. If you say nothing else, tell the survivor that you believe them.
Thank you to each person who shared a response on this subject, and to everyone who is taking the time to read. Would you consider passing this post along to a few priests you know who might be willing to receive this advice? (I’ll have more coming next week.)
If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.
Thank you,
Sara