Survivors' Voices: Family
In my time walking with survivors of religious abuse, I have learned that family members can be a huge source of support in the aftermath of that trauma. Unfortunately, I have also learned that unhelpful responses from family members can create additional pain. You’ll see a mix of these realities in the reflections from the Survivors’ Voices Panel below.
My husband was the second person I told about the childhood clergy sexual/spiritual violence I endured. I knew I could lose everything and everyone, including him, if I started to tell of the abuse that happened decades earlier. At first, telling was more like jagged words, tears, and fears pouring out of my ragged body. I told my siblings, eventually my children, and my parents, but mostly I wanted to keep my family life and the purging of horror (trauma healing) separated enough so I could maintain some sanity and some goodness in my life. I also had a gut feeling that if I shared too much with family and depended on them, I would have lost most of them like I have lost relationships with people I loved in my church community. Few have the capacity to hold this kind of reality.
I have told my close family, yes. I've been fortunate in that they've been supportive. I think it's important to mention that that doesn't mean they don't make mistakes. Someone close to me responded to my disclosure with an incredulous, "But he helped you a LOT!" Not the best initial response, but that person has gone on to be extremely supportive as I've navigated recovery. Even when things turn out more or less ideal, bearing a reality like this together can take a lot of grace and patience.
The family member I told works for the diocese. This person's response was, "These are really powerful men. Don't get me fired." This person's main concern was that the chancery staff would come after them just to try to silence me from speaking out about what has happened. Over the years, this person continues to work there, and tells me they are praying for the bishop and chancery staff to come to conversion. But that's as far as it goes. They would prefer not to think about it. Ignore it and maybe it will go away.
One of the things my abuser used to manipulate me was my struggle to recover from and grieve some trauma and abuse from my extended family. I was going to him a lot for help navigating it. Trauma and difficult relationships with family has been a common thread in pretty much every survivor story I've been entrusted with. One person close to me calls it "blood in the water." Once the sharks sense it, they come running.
My family's selective memory when it comes to my abuse has been so painful for me. It's like they forget it happened. I would love to forget it happened. It has really made me question if I'm crazy for having the expectation that important people in my life would remember important things about my life.
I will have more on this topic next week. If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.
Thank you,
Sara