Survivors' Voices: Going Public
Many of the victim-survivors I know - either through the In Spirit and Truth Survivors’ Voices Panel or Awake’s Survivor Circles - give a lot of thought to discerning where and when they share their story. Some choose to disclose their abuse only to family and close friends, while others choose to write or speak about their abuse in very public ways. This is a deeply personal decision, and I’m grateful to each person who accepted my invitation to reflect on this topic here.
I went public only after contacting the diocese where the abuse happened and adding my testimony to a lawsuit brought against my abuser by two other women. I did so by getting a free blog and self-publishing it. Later on I submitted it to a bigger site where it was published. This felt like something I needed to do; I felt like telling my story was a way to bring more awareness to the issue, and I felt like I had something to say regarding abuse situations, something that I wasn't seeing discussed anywhere else. Since then I've continued to write about abuse and about other things that I find interesting or important. Writing has become a huge part of who I am, and sharing my story was the catalyst for that.
I shared at a conference I helped sponsor on how the Church could do better by people living with mental health challenges. A "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" session talked about our panel's experience with the Church. I'm always conscious of retaliation by my diocesan chancery for telling the truth. It has cost me work, projects, and my reputation, and it has caused my friends and supportive priests to be shunned and threatened for supporting me.
I wrote about my relationship with my abuser almost as soon as I got out of it. I wish I hadn't. I wasn't able to process and name exactly what it was he had done to me. And so in the end, one of the most-read things I've ever written, one of the pieces of writing I'm most proud of from a "craft" perspective... is kind of a half-truth. So many people know an incomplete version of the story. Not that I owe them the full story or anything, but it made it harder for me to change my interior/spiritual/mental narrative once I'd published a certain version of it. It made it harder for me to appreciate the seriousness of his crimes, because as time went on, I talked myself into believing my memories were getting further away, when in reality my brain was healing enough to see them for what they were.
Maybe I was destined to go public, or maybe trying to work it all out with the church and failing led to my going public. Without public outing, the church hasn't been able to own or face its history and present situation, nor has it been able to acknowledge the massive injury resulting from its actions and inactions. Going public has been a last resort for me that surprisingly turned into a spiritual endeavor based in love. My primary public and private focus is on the spiritual aspects - the horrific realities and the vast but mostly untapped opportunities that could lead toward healthier outcomes.
I do not publicly share the acts of abuse imposed upon me. However, I do share what I consider to be acts of recovery from that abuse. I do it so I don't have to hold back my story and I can be myself. The childhood abuse that I endured is only one part of who I am as a person, so to me, sharing my story publicly allows me the chance to live a fuller and more complete life.
I did try to go public with my experience of psychological and spiritual abuse at the hands of a particular religious order, and my personal knowledge of sexual abuse by its leaders. I tried the "report it to the bishops" route, which was pointless, obviously. Then I tried the "send documentation to a journalist" route, and that didn't go anywhere either. In the end, I got desperate and just started an anonymous blog where I told the truth and connected with others who knew. That got us called “conspiratorial” and “blasphemous” and all that, but I don't regret the chance it gave other survivors of this group to connect and to feel less crazy and alone. I wish I'd just started there instead of bothering with the bishops and the journalists, because all they did was make me feel crazy for trying. Other survivors never did that.
I didn't share specific names or places when I shared my story. In retrospect maybe I should have, but warning people about my particular abuser or seeking justice for what happened to me weren't my goals at the time. I shared what I shared because I felt there was an aspect to my experience that I didn't see others express and that I felt was important. There is more than one reason to "go public.”
Thank you for reading. More reflections on this topic next week.
~ Sara
If you have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, I would be honored to include your perspective in this “Survivors’ Voices” series. You can find more information here: An Invitation for Survivors.