Survivors' Voices: Gratitude
In the month of November, we often focus on giving thanks for all that is good in our lives, so I thought I would ask the Survivors’ Voices Panel for their thoughts on gratitude. Here’s what I’ve heard so far:
I'm hesitant to speak about gratitude in certain contexts, because what I have to say can be so easily misconstrued or misunderstood. I sometimes feel like there's a certain amount of pressure in some survivor interactions to dwell exclusively on the pain and hurt of what's happened, and it can be awkward to bring up the positive graces God has brought out of it for me. I've gotten such a strong impression from certain people that they think I'm brainwashed for staying in the Church. It can be a vulnerable thing to share the light and formation God has brought in through the trauma, because I know it can be twisted to feed that perception of why I chose not to leave.
I am grateful to still be alive to to see everything that caused prolonged pain and suffering through my life, including the clergy abuse as an adult, come together to bring me to the end of myself and to the beginning of God. What happened to me in the church was the last straw in a lifetime of nothing but abusive relationships. I dug deep inside to find how and why I was so vulnerable to abusers who begin as charming and charismatic, flooding me with attention. I had to learn to see in myself what was mirrored to me by them so I do not fall for any other manipulators out of a fundamental need not met as a child to feel loved, wanted and of value. It’s through my intense self recovery efforts and excellent self care that I finally learned how authentic love feels outside of infatuation mixed with abuse as the mask slips from the pursuer. I feel I am in a better place now - not in spite of the clergy abuse that took me out of my old life, but because of it. What caused such harm I used for good. I am grateful for finally discovering who I am beyond another. Christ pursued me through placing an inner compulsion to dig deep and never stop until I found my identity through God alone. It’s a most beautiful love story. ❤️
I have a long sorted history with gratitude. After decades of silence I came to the church with memories, trauma, and a want to heal, learn, and grow in service to the church I was harmed by. I thanked everyone all the time. I clung to every shred of goodness shown me and sometimes created goodness out of nothing, just to have something to cling to during tough times with the church. I overlooked myself and overlooked my need to be recognized in gratitude by the church. Only after a severe downfall did I begin to rebuild a healthier foundation including a healthier sense of gratitude.
Despite the childhood trauma I endured at the hands of a priest, my life has been blessed in many ways. Expressing gratitude is an aspect of my faith which allows joy and appreciation to enter into my relationships. I am grateful to my wife, my family, friends, and many good priests who have accompanied me on my healing journey. Trusting you with my story, and you accepting me for who I am, has allowed me to live a fuller and more complete life. Finally, I am grateful to God for the faith he has blessed me with.
I am grateful my parents and ancestors were/are people of the earth. Forests, waterways, swamp lands, meadows, mountains, and the critters upon the earth sustain me, especially spiritually. I never feel judged, shamed, guilty, and I am seldom fearful of the natural world. I learned about life, myself, humanity, and about rhythm and flow from being in tune with nature. I allowed trees, water, wind, sun, moon, and critters of the earth to nurture and teach me when I could not trust humans or myself to the job.
If you have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, I would love to hear your thoughts on gratitude. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.
More on this topic next week.
~ Sara