Survivors' Voices: Hope
As we begin the year 2024, I wanted to hear from our Survivors’ Voices Panel about the idea of hope. As always, their responses were varied and insightful.
I define hope as an openness to a positive outcome that I cannot reasonably expect. It's a choice to be optimistic despite the facts and circumstances. I do have this obscure kind of hope, but my greatest strength has come in becoming aware and resolved to the complexity of progress. I no longer think the Church will change unless there is a radical restructuring of, or more specifically, a near-total dissolution of the hierarchy as it exists now. I do not believe this dissolution will happen. My optimism comes from the continued unfolding of my own competency in living a faithful life, independent of the Church. I still attend mass and love the sacraments, but the sacraments are all I need now to feel fulfilled. The rest is a social organization I can live well without.
Hope: Ugh. I have eliminated that word from my vocabulary except when I’m working with people who use the term as a positive word in their lives. About a dozen years ago, I was instrumental in starting a prayer service (we called it HOPE) where abuse survivors (not specific to clergy abuse) developed and led a prayer service. In January of that year, I was called out during a meeting and asked to step down from the group. I agreed. At that time in my life I was losing all my support people and systems, from closest companion and confidant to other supportive people, to now this group. I was spiraling downward. The way this prayer service group sent me packing was traumatizing and the safe environment coordinator took part. I lost just about all the support I had during a time I needed so much extra support. I suffered a significant downfall, then began a healing process that led to voice, agency, and a relatively peaceful inner life. I exchanged the word HOPE for the word POSSIBILITY and have never gone back since.
Ultimately, my hope is in Jesus and that He's ultimately going to make this all right. If not in this life, than the next. All I can do is hold the course as best I can, because I'm the only one I've got any control over.
My friend is in upper management in a global company. She and I had a long talk about toxic corporate culture and how the only sure solution is to leave. There were a lot of parallels with my experience as an abuse victim/survivor and a Catholic. The difference for me is that God's house is corrupt, but God still lives in it. That's why I stay. Psalm 146 talks about not trusting in human beings, but trusting only in God. That's my philosophy for continuing to be a Catholic and the little flickering candle of hope that makes Catholicism continue to be livable for me.
The horizons of hope have moved for me, and I am grateful for that. A few years ago, in the middle of the trauma, all I could hope for was to make it through a day. How do I get through these next 40,000 seconds? And then: how do I make it through the night, how do I get the sleep that my body desperately needs? In that period, I remember finding great consolation and hope in this verse from the psalms: “I will place him in the safety for which he longs” (Ps. 12:56). Rediscovering that verse, I felt so seen. I wasn’t yet in a place of safety, but I had a strong sense that God saw me. I was not alone. I would not be left alone. There were other moments of hope at that time. A tiny handful of friends came through for me in small and imperfect ways. It was enough for me that some of them listened and cared. The horizon of hope for me now is about the church — can I hope for a church that can face this abuse crisis head on? Can I hope that the church can hear how its current messages sound to the ears of a survivor? Can I hope that the well-meaning, pious people can confront the ways in which they may have contributed to the problems?
I will have more on this topic next week. If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.
Thank you,
Sara