Survivors' Voices: Joy
A comment that someone made to me recently has me thinking about how the public perceives abuse survivors - and wondering if sometimes we (I?) forget to communicate that many people who have experienced abuse by religious leaders go on to live beautiful, happy lives, even while dealing with trauma and pain.
So, as we approach Christmas, I wanted to offer a post capturing some of that reality as well. For those who read this blog regularly, I think it’s valuable for you to know that the members of our Survivors’ Voices Panel - the same people who often share stories of difficult memories, loneliness, retraumatization, and other struggles - have lives that also include gratitude, peace, and yes, even joy.
In moments where I have been leading faith-based retreats for other Catholics or leadership training for priests, I have had participants come up to me after the fact and say, "You just beam such joy!” or “All the priests are talking about you. You have such joy! And it's contagious." At that moment I thank the Holy Spirit for reflecting God's love through me.
In my spiritual journey, I've discovered profound joy. I've come to realize that the Divine dwells within me, offering unconditional love. This awareness has transformed my perception, allowing me to appreciate the sacred in everyday experiences and infusing my life with deeper meaning. My path to spiritual fulfillment hasn't been without obstacles. As a young seminarian, I endured years of clergy sexual abuse, an experience that left me spiritually devastated – a form of soul murder. The resulting spiritual void affected me profoundly, persisting despite years of psychotherapy and attempts to reconnect with the Catholic Church. However, through persistent prayer to the Holy Spirit, I began to perceive Her movement in my life. This spiritual awakening led me to a remarkable new faith community that embodies the values I had long sought: joyful worship and spirituality, radical welcome and inclusion, and courageous justice. As I reflect on my spiritual growth, I'm reminded of the words of Teilhard de Chardin: "Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God." Indeed, the joy I've found in my renewed spiritual life affirms the Divine's enduring presence and love.
I am a member of a religious community. At the Provincial Council meeting, another member stopped me. The member said, "I'm so glad to see you again. Every time, you have a smile on your face, and exude such fun and joy. Thank you for that. We need more of that."
I find gratitude and joy in knowing that I have -- and am following -- a plan to break the hold that the grooming, exploitation, and harm had over me. I am working the plan... and it is working. I am grateful and joyous that this plan unfolded itself to me at the gentle urgings of the One who has never left me.
What a great topic: JOY! It really made me think. My first reaction, however, was, joy? What joy? How can I find joy with what I’ve had to face, given the severity of the trauma I endured? It has permeated EVERYTHING! Then I rethought and reframed and switched the word to “GRATITUDE.” It was the closest thing to joy I could think of. I find gratitude and joy in the knowing that many blessings have come from the abuse, albeit through a rather convoluted pathway. Intensive work to find my way through the abuse fallout has resulted in my becoming a more compassionate person; being better able to understand different viewpoints; discovering a capacity for incredible resilience; learning how to transition from being a “human doing” to a “human being”; learning to turn lemons into lemonade; and growing my soul to deeper levels than I ever could have in this lifetime compared to if the abuse had never happened. It took a lot of work to reach these milestones, but ALL of them give me joy and gratitude. I am just now learning how to identify pure joy, things that are very meaningful for me. I discovered that I LOVE to cook, not the mundane recipes, but the FUN recipes. I love to watch comedies that make me laugh out loud, allowing me to forget my troubles. I find joy in getting lost in amazing music that touches my soul or allows me to escape into pure fun or fantasy. I also find joy in being of service to other survivors as I see them learn and grow and find a life that can blossom in spite of the trauma, as mine has.
I was abused as a high school student by a teacher and struggled for many years with feeling "smart" or being able to own my academic achievements. After taking a long time to finish, I finally completed my doctorate this month. The sense of achievement, fulfillment, and joy knowing all that I've had to endure to get to this point makes it even more meaningful.
Connecting with other survivors has brought a happiness to my life that I could never express. There are men and women who I never would have encountered otherwise, who met me through a shared devastation of life and spirit that we would never wish on anyone else, who have somehow become some of dearest friends I could ever imagine. My friends who have not experienced sexual abuse in the Church are empathetic and compassionate, but they don't really "get it" - and I would never want them to truly know what this portion of life is like for me. But to have friends who are truly /with me/ on the journey, not just watching me as I walk something they will never understand... that is a priceless gift. Our shared lives together bring me incredible joy.
I know that the holidays can be a difficult time for many of us, a time when our sorrows and burdens feel especially heavy. If that is you this Christmas, I hope the reflections above can help point a path toward joy.
Peace,
Sara