Survivors' Voices: Justice, Part 2
The reflections on justice from the Survivors’ Voices panel last week were powerful. I’m honored to be able to bring you a few more today:
I gave up on institutional justice for my abuser years ago, either retributive or restorative. The courts didn't throw him in jail; canon lawyers didn't sanction him. Some church leaders took action; some said his contributions were more important than any part of me. Still others claim to stand for victims, and yet ignored my cries to keep the People of God safe from his abuse. I was ostracized and mocked and cast out of beloved communities when I came forward as a victim. There has been very little accountability. There has no reparation. What could justice possibly mean, if no one with power will work to accomplish it on my behalf? My belief in divine justice is not a want but a need, because otherwise I could not fathom a way forward in this religion. Come, Lord Jesus.
This morning, I was listening to a recording of Vinnie Politan's CourtTV show Closing Arguments from earlier in the week, in which he said, "Justice is the truth."
Justice. Is. The Truth. Is it? Or, is truth a necessary but insufficient component of justice? And if justice is truth, whose truth leads to justice? The priest who took these actions towards me has a very different view of 'the truth' from the one which I hold. And from the one which my then-husband held. And from the one that my children were told. Yet, I still find myself watching CourtTV, hoping that doing so will expose me to more proof that, sometimes, sometimes, there is justice. As for me? I have released any hope that I will experience justice on this side of eternity. Even when this now ex-priest dies, I will not experience a sense of justice... since I will live with the consequences of these events and behaviors and choices (including my own) for the rest of my life. As far as what he might experience in the afterlife? Well, that's not up to me. I don't want to believe in a vengeful God. Also, while I celebrate when others' experience justice on CourtTV, I've also observed that this doesn't really 'fix" their situations. Perhaps it helps. But there is no closure. The profound losses remain. This does not mean that I don't wish there was more justice. It just means that I'm instead going to focus on that which I can control... which are my choices relative to how to go on with my life... how to experience some semblance of joy admidst all I have lost... and freeing myself of the expectation that there will be justice.
I just saw my bishop. I was reminded in the encounter that justice isn't coming. Justice requires courage. It requires a commitment to truth. St Thomas Aquinas' quote came to mind. "He who is not angry when there is just cause for anger is immoral. Why? Because anger looks to the good of Justice. And if you can live amid injustice without anger, you are immoral as well as unjust."
The word, ‘justice’ is thrown about so loosely regarding clerical abuse that it has become a red herring in the Church and society. It is a nice sounding word, but rarely ever practiced. In abuse cases justice would present as the public admission of guilt from all parties; restitution of reputation and monetary compensation for the injury. Thus far, we have not seen this level of justice from the Churchmen, who are responsible for the wellbeing of all souls, whether Catholic or not. It is possible to achieve this justice, otherwise God would not demand it. Divine Justice is not “karma”, however. It does not happen in this world, but in the next, regardless of one’s belief in the next life. God will judge the innocent and the guilty and the individual will receive its JUST reward or punishment. I do take consolation in this. Laity must take an active role in transitional justice. They must stand by victims and hold the Churchmen accountable by real action, such as withholding money from the collections. I have been shunned and ostracized, lied to and about, adding more injustice to an already extra ordinary pain. I will never fully recover: I’m not a survivor just because I didn’t die. I lost my former self; a better self.
This is a topic I have thought about a lot but yet feel I have so little to share on the matter. I honestly don't believe any sort of criminal, civil, or even canonical punishments would satisfy or make up for what was lost. He stole something from me he can never repay. The Church leaders have taken something from me they also can never repay. I will never be able to view God the same way. I don't know if I will ever feel safe in a church again or be able to trust another clergy member. I will never be able to get the tears back from the carpet from that dreadful night. No, I do not believe justice can truly be achieved on this side of earth. My hope isn't even in divine justice as I do not know how that will look. My hope can only rest in God's burning love. That is the only thing that will satify.
Honestly, I never even thought of seeking justice. Once I recognized that my experience was abuse, I was focused on assuring he could not injure anyone else. That came about after a number of people coming forth in the denomination he had switched to, many years ago. It was enough for me to see him removed from ministry. I guess justice came in the reality that he led a miserable, unhappy life, was horrible to many people and died, having been rejected by his colleagues. He was a badly damaged human being and was never redeemed in this life. I pity him and hope God shows him the love and mercy he so desperately needed on earth.
Thank you for listening and learning from these stories and perspectives.
Peace,
Sara