Survivors' Voices: Memories
This month, I asked the women and men of the In Spirit and Truth Survivors’ Voices Panel to share their reflections on the topic of memories. Here’s what some of them had to say:
I never forgot what happened. I remember specifics in, unfortunately, excruciating detail. However, my memories were twisted by my abuser so that I was conditioned to think that what happened was ok and even my fault - something I did to her versus what she imposed on me as an adult in a position of power. It has taken me several years to turn around those memories to me surviving the unthinkable instead of being responsible for it.
A memory flooded back to me Saturday night, while watching (of all things) an episode of The Office. Instead of saying to myself, "Wow, my predator did this awful thing to me too - I guess this kind of thing really does happen," my reaction was, "Why didn't I find a way to walk away at that moment, like the character on the TV show did? Why didn't I see the degree of sick that was being demonstrated?" Clearly, this is an opportunity for growth rather than self-blame. At least now I have a tool to deal with this -- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) for which I am so grateful. Having said that, this served as a reminder that memories of the trauma can be triggered at any time, by something totally unexpected.
During one of the incidents of abuse, another priest inadvertently walked in on my perpetrator molesting me. Instead of intervening, he froze, did nothing, and silently retreated. When later confronted about this, the witness priest vehemently denied that such an occurrence had ever taken place. I subsequently learned that he had even gone so far as to suggest that I suffered from a mental disorder. This denial left me feeling utterly incredulous and profoundly betrayed. The witness’s response only compounded my anguish, adding another layer to the pain I already endured from the systemic collusion and denial within the institution.
My memories did not begin to surface until I was in my 60’s, even though the abuse began to occur at age 5 and went well into my teens. The memories were met with shock, confusion, disorientation and disbelief. It made no sense to me that I could “forget” that I was repeatedly raped for well over a decade, but I later found that this is not unusual; in fact, it’s the mind’s method of coping with the unthinkable shock. As I began speaking with other survivors in support groups, I was even more shocked that their stories so closely mirrored my own. A third level of shock occurred when I found that the Catholic Church protected the priests via reassignments, coverups and outright lies while survivors were left in the dust. Added to the trauma is the fact that memories didn’t just arrive and get dealt with. They threw me into overwhelm and kept invading my days and nights with intense flashbacks and nightmares, along with somatic pain that felt like I was in the throes of the abuse in real time and with the helplessness and terror of that moment. It took many years of therapy and group support to reduce the impact of these rapes, yet new memories continue to surface and it all starts over again. You can’t imagine how such abuse decimates any form of normalcy, and that’s for LIFE.
I have described the details of the abuse I experienced to my bishop, who told me at the time how wrong what happened was. He commented to a priest I know that I seem so truthful. The priest recounted the conversation to me, telling me that he told the bishop, "That's because she is." Yet, because his Vicar General (who wasn't there for the abuse or my subsequent conversations with the Church) insists that I must have been in love with the priest (the abuser), that must be the real truth. I'm supposedly confused. The bishop is going with the Vicar General version of events because the Vicar General insists he's right. The priest couldn't have possibly done this.
My experiences of abuse color and shape my memories of that time and the people and places associated with it. I was abused starting in my junior year - I almost have split before/after memories of high school. I remember good teachers, but my memories have been clouded by the years of abusive teachers and priests that cycled through under their watches. The school building and the house where much of the abuse took place - I can't even drive by without having flashbacks and feeling like I going to be sick. It's hard to come to terms with memories that are more like nightmares and realize that regardless of how hard you try, your experience and those memories will never be "normal."
Thank you for listening to these stories. I will have more reflections on this theme next week.
Peace,
Sara
PS: If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.