Survivors' Voices: Misconceptions, Part 2
This topic certainly struck a chord with many people on the Survivors’ Voices Panel. I’m honored to be able to bring you their thoughts on myths and misunderstandings that exist in the Church and the broader community.
My thanks to everyone who shared a reflection on this topic.
I often run into the misconception that “victims of clerical sexual abuse” is a category that includes only, or mostly, children and especially boys. The abuse that I experienced is characterized as “more normal” because I happen to have been an adult woman. But rape is never ever “normal,” no matter who it happens to.
Church leadership has no concept of "predators." There is a whole body of research in this area, about individuals who are actively hunting for victims. This lack of understanding is why the leadership is so willing to let abusers off the hook. They have no grasp of the “evil" they are dealing with, and how they are being played. The rest of us suffer due to the leadership's ignorance. Our leaders have a responsibility to be better informed but fail miserably to do their jobs. That we are this many years into the crisis and the leaders still know so little speaks volumes about their lack of commitment to actually change and address the situation.
It’s never about money, but about being believed and treated as a beloved child of God.
I used to live with misconceptions about myself and about god. These misconceptions were destructive, traumatizing, and set inside of me through experiences in the catholic church. It took decades to debunk the false beliefs: I am nothing. I am no one. I don’t deserve to live. My best friend is dead because I couldn’t tell. I am to blame for everything. I can never be forgiven. God is a trickster. God loves to lure me with light then destroy me and laugh at my self-destruction. I am the sin. I cannot trust my own instincts. Healing and love rushed in when I was finally able to debunk the myth that my health and well-being depended on the church’s action, leaderships’ actions. Leaving that dependency set me free.
From my perspective as a female victim-survivor, I've encountered the misconception that "Catholic priests only abused boys." I think that this has been perpetuated by both the Church and the media, and it's a misconception that has often made me feel like I am an invisible part of the conversation about the abuse crisis. It is critically important for victim-survivors of sexual abuse to be believed and to have their trauma validated. Unfortunately, the proliferation of misconceptions about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church does the opposite.
My perpetrator's favorite ploy is to assume the role of victim if he is questioned about his behavior. He says he is "being kind" by taking unhealthy interest in someone. He's "helping" by lavishing gifts and attention. The truth is that these behaviors are grooming. My perpetrator, with the precision and efficacy of a veteran professional, assumes the role of martyr when accountability for his predatory behavior is even suggested. His order teaches, "When accused, don't defend yourself." This strategy works brilliantly for predator priests. People need to understand that a predator's abundance of "charity" is a cover; it is intentionally used to obscure the violations that are being strategically infused into the "kindness." This is a calculated, intentional pillar of the dynamic. I wish people would look at the facts of the situation instead of carte blanche believing the priest. No man deserves unconditional benefit of the doubt because of his job or profession of vows.
It's important to remember that most victims never report.
I think the tendency to see something "wrong" with someone who has been victimized more than once is at the heart of victim blaming. It's always easier to blame the one who was powerless from the outset. Once those in authority understand this concept, hopefully bringing restorative justice into these situations will become less complicated.
Normally-alarming interpersonal boundary violations are not somehow made healthy (or even sanctified!) because the perpetrator is a priest. In my own case, and repeatedly in support groups, I hear stories of how people in authority and those surrounding the priest see and know about predatory grooming behaviors. The witnessing individuals dismiss or even defend the priest's dysfunctional behaviors because he is "in ministry." Somehow being "in ministry" makes it okay to be alone with victims, to show up announced at the family's home, to normalize unusual touching, to call victims from his personal cell phone at any hour, to send inappropriate text messages, etc. In my case, the superior to whom I reported said, "He's just like that. He's relational and needs to be with people. There's nothing wrong with that." I am sure Father Perpetrator could line up a hundred people in fifteen minutes who would vouch for his good character. That's how charming and manipulative he is, but he's a predator.
The biggest misconception, in my opinion, is that the majority of clerical abuse is priests abusing boys. As I began to walk in the circles of survivors, I’ve personally met just as many, if not more, women abused by priests whether as an adult or when they were younger. The grooming of an adult by twisting the teaching of the Catholic Church that their victims so love in order to sexually exploit these unsuspecting adults is especially heinous and perverted. People don’t hear about these survivors nearly enough because the masses are quick to cry “affair!” and condemningly point to the victim. The bishops are content to publicly announce only “inappropriate behavior” on the part of the predator priest.
As a survivor of ten years of rapes by clergy, this topic elicits a cauldron of anger in me. The church pretends to be shocked at the “rare” instances of abuse and committed to making things right for survivors. They spew out platitudes and promises to the congregation and to the media, yet behind the scenes, their actions are quite the opposite. They say they have solved the abuse problem. They haven’t. There’s plenty of abuse still happening. They say they are eliminating the abusing priests. They aren’t. They often look the other way when abuse is happening right under their noses. They allow many abusing priests to remain in service. They typically admit guilt only when the evidence overwhelmingly buries them… and makes it into the news. The Church has a long history of denial of such abuse, by parishes, by bishops, even the Vatican, even when they hold clear evidence of that abuse in their files. They have been known to obstruct investigations and outright lie during discovery. They have even been caught burning or shredding incriminating evidence so it can’t come to light. When faced with serious abuse and impending legal action, they often settle such claims with non-disclosure agreements, or if faced with trials, they push for gag orders. They have been known to harass victims who choose to pursue cases and shun parishioners who try to help them. When abuse claims start piling up, and it’s clear they must face payouts, they’ve been known to file for bankruptcy; survivors are left in the dust, even though the Vatican is rich beyond measure. They say they want to help survivors, but then they turn around and lobby both state and federal legislators for legislation that will protect their own. Are you hearing about any of this from the local priests? The bishops? The Vatican? If you want to hear the actual truth, ask your local parish or diocese to allow survivors to address the congregation. Hear their voices. See what the Church does or says in real time. This is the only way you’ll clear up the misconceptions.
If you have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, I would be honored to include your perspective in future installments of this “Survivors’ Voices” series. You can find more information here: An Invitation for Survivors.
I’ll have the October Reading Round-Up for you next week.
~ Sara
It seems like most of the “facts” about clerical abuse are indeed misconceptions. Especially when looking at what the church hierarchy believes. Thank you for shedding light on this. And my gratitude to all survivors for sharing their stories.