Survivors' Voices: My Experience as a Woman, Part 2
I am deeply grateful to each woman who shared her insights in Part 1 of this post, reflecting on how her experience of abuse intersects with her identity as a woman. Here are some additional reflections from women who have endured abuse by Catholic leaders:
When I met with the cardinal where my abuse occurred, one of the first things he said to me was, "When I heard your story, I was so relieved you weren’t a man and you weren't a minor." I realized that I was the acceptable kind of victim in the Church. I was raped by a priest, but that was ok - because I am a woman. I was groomed for over a year, but that's ok - because I am a woman.
I will never forget hearing someone say (after my report of abuse to the Church was made public) that they didn't believe that this particular priest was an abuser, and that they would have no problem with him being around their sons. I wanted to scream, "You should be worried about your daughters!" It made me really angry that "the victim" (me) was assumed to be male.
One of the best decisions I ever made was to keep my baby when I became pregnant early in my first professional job right out of college. I took my daughter home to my family and had her baptized. I guess I thought Catholics would admire me - no abortion, responsibility, baptism. But the priest who baptized her saw a single mother and pounced - literally. Afterall, he hadn't had any sex for the whole nine months that he had been in this country. And he made sure to tell me that "monsignor and people at the diocese" told him that I was "really bad." Apparently with all this against me my "NO, NO, and NO" meant nothing. My daughter will turn 44 the day this is published. It took me decades to put most of the suffering that came from this abuse behind me. Some of the suffering came from going to the Church to share my story and ask for help. I've always felt that as a woman I was seen as suspect. Misogyny runs deep. The liberating truth, though, is that now I don't care anymore what the Church thinks because I am proud of who I have become in spite of it all.
I sighed deeply when I read this topic, as I believe that I was judged even more harshly for what I experienced because I was a grown woman when it happened. More than judged, I was blamed. The labels thrust upon me have been far worse than any 'typical' scarlet letter. The names that I was subsequently denied - mother and grandmother - have left holes in my heart and my life that can never be otherwise filled. After more than two decades, I decided that it was time to accept what was, and what is, and to embrace life again, despite the consequences that I have endured. Now I've learned that "not living fully is just another way to die."
My experience is as the wife, now widow, of a man who as a young (unmarried) deacon was seduced by a nun 10 years older than him. He was overawed by her professional status as a doctor, and she deliberately exposed her body to him. She was 15 years older than me, and knew all about me as I had visited the mission where they worked. I didn't know about this relationship when I married him, and it seems she thought he would never tell me their 'secret'. He only told me after our first baby was born. I felt like jumping out of our flat window from the 6th floor, but I didn't. It was only after he died that I found some cards and letters from her in his briefcase, full of meaningless religious language and sentimental nonsense. It felt like an enormous spiritual betrayal of my trust.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 7 and again around the age of 10 or a young 11. I was far away from puberty both times. Both times my abuse was because I was a female. So I know there were predatory clergy who also wanted little girls. However I think of sexual abuse as predatory behavior more than anything to do with my sex. What is more baffling to me is that we have an all adult male clergy, the majority of them showing little interest in the parishioners who were abused. I have found they know nothing about what the trauma of sex abuse is and although Bishops continue to say they are educating their clergy and themselves on how to understand and thus help victim survivors, most dioceses are not doing that. They do follow a formula of protection going forward but it lacks compassion or care for survivors. I don’t know if I would be taken more seriously if I were a man bringing attention to this in my diocese. I think of what my father would have done if he knew of my abuse, or my husband or brothers or even my son’s generation ….. how those men would respond to women and children being sexually assaulted by men. Most clergy did not have the same kind of response. For me I found most clergy to be indifferent. For me the issue is less about my being a woman and more about why the majority of the adult male clergy have such little emotion and empathy in their response.
There is one key advantage to being a woman survivor, and that is that it's more socially acceptable to speak about surviving sexual abuse among one's peers as a woman. I do think it's slightly easier for us to find personal support then it is for many men.
The primary way I see my identity as a woman intersecting with the abuse experience has been through my healing. Some years before the abuse, I had the experience of having a lay woman as a spiritual director. Until that time, I'd always seen a priest. Looking back, I can't imagine how the truth of my experience, when first coming forth so slowly and in pieces, could have been given the empathy, compassion and respect I needed from anyone other than a woman. I did not feel safe with men in general, not only priests, and I'm so grateful for the women who have accompanied me.
After he raped me, the priest talked about what he did in terms of what "we" had done. Because of my age (I was 15 at the time of the rape) and my gender, I felt like I must have done something to tempt him. This (incorrect) assumption was, I think, perpetuated by those that I reported the rape to as an adult. The Church was, I think, relieved that I was a female. And even the civil authorities told me that my case was "tricky" because I was so close to the age of consent (16) in my state. Rape is about power and control, not sex, and unfortunately, I think that many people still don't understand this.
Thank you for listening and sharing these perspectives. I hope we are finally moving beyond the days when people assume that priests and other Catholic leaders only abuse little boys.
~ Sara