Survivors' Voices: New Beginnings
Happy New Year friends!
As we enter into 2022, I thought it might be good to hear abuse survivors reflect on new beginnings. As I expected, they have some powerful things to say.
If you have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, I would be honored to include your perspective in this “Survivors’ Voices” series. You can find more information and express your interest here.
Each moment is a new beginning. I’ve had millions of them. Earlier in my life the new beginnings were not sustainable and often led to major downfalls and spinouts. The tipping point came about a decade ago when I made three commitments: 1. To become aware of my own reality and the reality around me. 2. To live in possibility. 3. To trust myself, my instincts, my intuition, and the wisdom gained through all of my life experiences. It was a process that included encouragement from others, education, and diverse spiritual tools. Today I live with greater balance, stability, contentment, gratitude, and integrity. While my friends are retiring, I am just beginning my life’s work.
I moved a hemisphere away from my abuser and never looked back. It's the kindest thing I've ever done for myself and I'd do it a thousand times over again.
Having been crushed through my experience of clergy abuse as an adult and the additional trauma of reporting it, I discovered God often works through the messes to achieve the ultimate goal of healing. The wounds of the church conspired with mine. In speaking up I found my voice. God used my voice, and in the end I was brought to the healing that nothing else was able to achieve. That is victory over evil. I am better now than if it never happened. God used the church in a convoluted way like a surgeon's scalpel. On December 8, 2021 I was able to publicly speak up about abuse of adults on the day designated by the Vatican as the beginning of criminalizing abuse of adults by clergy. This brought relief not only for me but hopefully for others who were also abused. I will step into the threshold of the New Year leaving behind any negative aspects in the box of pain and holding onto only the gifts of love, light and healing enclosed. Love is all that is real. It heals.
My most recent new beginning was three years ago when I finally resolved to get trauma-informed therapy. My clergy sexual abuse had happened in 1970 and 1981, and I wasn't able to talk about it until the early 1990s. Therapy for PTSD was new then and all I got was four months of talk counseling. So, at the beginning of 2019 when I was already in my late 60s, I began again to heal through a combination of therapy (paid for by the Church) and spiritual practice. I also told my story by finishing an autobiography. The work of these three years has resulted in my feeling liberated and much stronger. I'm grateful.
After I told my story of childhood sexual abuse to my wife, I said I was fine. I thought if I could tell her the story I would “get over it.” However, carrying that heartache with me, the recurrent painful memories, and the various triggers which set me back and caused me to lose sleep, lose weight, and be distracted from my wife and children, I realized that I was not fine. I realized that I needed help. My new beginning is when I began individual counseling and participated in a support group of other childhood sexual abuse survivors. I look back fondly now at that time in my life because although it was painful to recall the many hurts of my youth and to understand the effect on me as an adult, I felt that I was on a journey of personal growth. My therapist and the support group helped me. I thought I could "get over it" on my own. I was wrong and I am glad I finally asked for help – real help.
Here’s hoping for a year of beautiful new beginnings throughout our wounded world.
~ Sara