Survivors' Voices: The Person Who Has Helped Me Most, Part 2
I spend a lot of time listening to stories about people who have been insensitive, unhelpful, or downright cruel in responding to abuse, so I find it really encouraging to hear the positive stories as well - stories about people who have offered presence, support, and compassion when it was needed most. Even just one person who provides genuine accompaniment can make a big difference in a person’s life! May we all strive to be that one person for someone.
(If you missed the first part of this post you can find it here: The Person Who Has Helped Me Most, Part 1.)
One person who was so helpful to me at the very beginning of my healing journey was a survivor named J. I found her name and contact information through SNAP (the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests), and we talked on the phone as well as met in person. This was in 2006, when I decided to report the abuse to the Church. She was the first survivor of clergy sexual abuse I had ever met, and at that time, there weren't very many female survivors who had come forward publicly (I am also female). Having someone to talk to who "got it," and who I knew believed me without question, was invaluable. She had already navigated the waters that I was just beginning to dip my toe into, and her support meant so much to me. I don't think that I would be where I am at in my healing journey today if it weren't for her. To this day, we still stay in touch through Facebook, and I am so grateful that I found her when I did.
The person who has helped me the most is me. I have had a difficult time finding any kind of real support in my personal life. Since my abuse, I have continued to lean into self care and therapy with a commitment to improving my boundaries and healing my past trauma. My abuse happened in 2016-17. For the last two years I have been in regular therapy for complex PTSD. It has been the most efficacious investment in my healing that I have made. My understanding of my vulnerability to a predator continues to deepen, and my past wounds are healing in a way that gives me more freedom and peace than I have ever had. My therapy journey is emotionally and financially challenging, but it's worth it. I feel safer now. No one else has been able to give me that feeling of being safer.
A woman from my former parish stood beside me when everyone else walked away. I know it must have been very challenging for her as she was not used to dealing with someone so traumatized, let alone someone who had a priest as the source of their trauma. At the time not much was known about adults abused by clergy. I found myself teaching her as I learned for myself.
I had the support of a spiritual director who read so many emails and met with me once a month. She provided a safe loving place as I worked in dealing with the traumas ignited by the trauma in the church. I also had a kind and supportive priest as pastoral support when I needed to step away from the church for four and a half years to heal from the effects of trauma in it. Presently, I feel much has been healed, including the underlying traumas. I returned to church during Lent and continue to attend weekly and sing in the music ministry. Christ and Mary through the rosary held me together. A priest was responsible for my leaving the church. The Eucharist drew me back when I was ready.
I have found a friend for life in a fellow survivor, T. We got connected through other survivors; I can share my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings with her without judgment or explanation. She has also been able to do the same. We also just connect on general life topics and fun random things. Her presence in my life just makes a difference.
I have been truly blessed to be accompanied by many people. My husband has been a tremendous help in my healing journey. He never judges me and is patient as I navigate the dark waters of healing. My therapist has also been a rock through many years in processing through so much pain. I have also found tremendous healing within the Awake community. It is a profound experience to know I am not alone. So much of my abuse took place in isolation, and shame kept me from seeking help for so long; now I find freedom and healing within community.
Thank you for reading and caring.
Peace,
Sara
PS: If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.