Survivors' Voices: The Person Who Has Helped Me Most
In this space, survivors often share stories of people who have been dismissive, ignorant, cruel, disbelieving, or otherwise harmful in the aftermath of their abuse. These stories can be hard to hear, but listening can help all of us understand what not to do.
This month, I wanted to to turn to the positive and focus on the people who have been compassionate, understanding, patient, supportive, or otherwise helpful. These examples and stories also have much to teach us! Here is what our Survivors’ Voices panelists had to share about people who have been helpful:
Dr. Jules, a compassionate and experienced forensic psychologist, was instrumental in my healing journey. His energy and courage helped me address years of trauma from abuse during my time in the minor seminary. Despite our different faiths—he an actively practicing Jew and I a Catholic—I believe the Holy Spirit worked through him, demonstrating the universal nature of healing. Jules’ authenticity and expertise created a safe environment for confronting deep-seated traumas. I am forever grateful for finding such a skilled professional whose guidance has been transformative in my path to recovery.
I met a priest at the Grief to Grace Retreat. It turns out he is also a clergy abuse survivor. Over the years we've been there for each other: Talking by phone. Doing our best to navigate the actions of the Church, the health challenges, the dark days, and those glimmers of hope.
That one person would be my older sister. I was very raw at the time. My memories didn’t surface till I was in my 60’s, only two years prior. I was still in a state of shock and disbelief, and I’d told no one except my therapist, psychiatrist and husband. I was still full of guilt and shame, blaming myself for the rapes. It took a while, but I’d finally garnered enough courage to share what happened. I told my sister how the parish monsignor raped me from second grade until I graduated from eighth grade. I didn’t know how she might react. I could tell she was listening with an open mind, but as I got further into the details, she turned white, sat down like she was nearing falling down, and said with total shock (to me, and to her) that she was suddenly remembering that, when she was in high school, her two best friends at the time told her that their respective boyfriends (both Catholic) had been raped by the same monsignor. She said she brushed it off at the time, thinking “the monsignor could NEVER do something like that!” But at the age of 70, it suddenly hit her full on that what she heard 50 years prior must have been true. She was incredibly kind and compassionate with me, and her awareness and raw reaction was immensely validating for me. It helped me turn a corner, because I was assuming that non survivors had no reason to believe me since I had no “proof” (like a rape kit). She believed me with an open heart and with zero hesitation. That was HUGE!
The kind ladies of Concerned Lay Catholics, Cathy and Brenda, showed me the exact amount of respect and empathy during a very dark period. They both shined the light that helped me find my path to forgiveness and spirituality.
Recently, I had another experience of emotional abuse by a member of the clergy, and my husband immediately told me to step away from ministry for a while. He could see how much harm it was causing me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. He offered to carry the burden of employment and delayed his retirement so I can take time off and heal without launching back into another possible toxic ministry enviroment. This time off gave me a beautiful gift of healing and allow time to focus on the decades of emotional abuse with a therapist. It was a gift that came directly from Jesus through the love of my husband. With the help of my husband, therapist, spiritual director, and friends (aka my God Squad), the healing continues and new growth has surfaced.
I am grateful for these beautiful stories of compassionate accompaniment, and I look forward to sharing more next week. May these examples inspire all of us to similar acts of love and care.
Peace,
Sara
PS: If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.