Survivors' Voices: What I've Learned in Therapy
If you have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, I would be honored to include your perspective in this “Survivors’ Voices” series. You can find more information here: An Invitation for Survivors.
I think the primary thing I have learned from therapy is that the shame did not belong to me. A previous therapist was able to help break down to me how the power differential exists in the priest/parishioner relationship in the same way it exists in the therapist/client relationship. After years of carrying immense guilt, I finally was able to admit how the grooming had impacted me. This was very healing. In the last 2 years I have done EMDR, and I feel like it has taken my healing journey to a whole new level in being able to release all the shame I have carried for so many years.
With over 2 1/2 years of individual counseling, followed by 1 1/2 years of support group, I have learned coping techniques related to living with the on-going effects of my childhood trauma of sexual abuse by a priest. Important to me is allowing myself to feel the full extent of the tragic loss of the innocence of my youth and how all of that affected my upbringing and how it still affects me today. Also, I learned about self-care, giving myself permission to breathe, take a lap, separate myself from various triggers, know my limits and my strengths, and more.....
I had a hard time getting angry. It took years. Though not therapists, encouragement came from others. A priest once said, god already knows how you feel, he just wants you to get those feelings out. At one point it occurred to me to use an axe. I chopped my anger out. In early February after several months of chopping at the dead abusive priest and at god, my husband said, “I know what I’m getting you for Valentine’s Day, another axe!” He noticed the positive change as a result of getting the anger out. On a walk with a good friend I suddenly started venting, swearing a blue streak, though I am not one to swear. My friend said, “I love it when you swear!” Expressing anger in a healthy way is a catalyst to empowerment.
EMDR was a game changer for me. It allowed me a safe way to revisit trauma and create new neuropathways so I wasn't stuck in the same old triggered loop. The safety steps allowed me to connect with people and places that were safe for me - including Jesus.
Seeking therapy was such a frightening thing. I convinced myself I just needed a few sessions, to learn how to think differently. Then I would be ok. I had tried other therapists before and hadn’t gotten very much from them, except perhaps even more shame. But when I met my current therapist, it was completely different. Even while we have talked about the most difficult things, the things I am the most ashamed about, she never makes me ashamed. I thought I needed someone to help me learn to think differently, but what I really needed, and what I am so incredibly thankful to have found, is so much more. Having someone who is walking through all of the darkness and doesn’t look away has been such a gift. Watching the Holy Spirit move and work in and between us has been so deeply encouraging, for both of us. And on the days when the Church seems so dark and I feel so alone in it, I remember that she too is part of the Church, and that I am not fighting alone.
The hardest part of starting with a therapist is having to retell your life experiences again and again just so they have some idea of where to start and what to work on. If it doesn't work out or the two of you just don't click - you have to go through all of it again to try out a new therapist.
Finding someone who was trauma-informed and would honor my faith mattered to me. It’s the biggest question that I hear from survivors, priests, and laity - how can we find Catholic therapists or therapists that will honor my faith. It’s not easy.
Once I began to trust myself and my intuition, with the help of a meditation practice that is based on non-judgmental observation of the body and its sensations, I began to intuitively know what I needed. I joined a drum circle and now facilitate one. The community, the unity of drumming together, the vibrational affect, and the impromptu music clears my body, opens my senses, and sets my spirit free.
Thank you for reading. More reflections on this topic next week.
~ Sara
PS: If you have not yet signed up to participate in one of this week’s Synod Sessions with Awake Milwaukee, please do so today! www.awakemilwaukee.org/synod