Survivors' Voices: This Year, Part 2
As we near the end of January, I offer you a few more thoughts from the In Spirit and Truth Survivors’ Voices Panel, on the theme “This Year.” (In case you missed the first part of this post, you can read that here.)
The end of this month marks four years since the Diocese received my notice of abuse allegations. I feel like while I’ve grown in those years, nothing has changed in their lack of acknowledgement. I plan to spend this year working on a way to publicly hold them accountable — like a book or podcast to hopefully spur some accountability.
My abusers convinced me that I was stupid, incompetent, incapable of taking care of myself or others, manipulative, and hopelessly selfish. On some deep level, I still believe those things, despite ample evidence that none of them are true: I am almost finished with a PhD, have lived on my own for years—including a number of years in foreign countries, give generously of my time to help and support those I care about and often even those I don’t know, and have dedicated my life to serving God and the Church. I would love for this to be the year that I stop believing some or all of the lies rooted so profoundly in my heart. I will (hopefully) soon be working as a college professor in a full-time job, so I have some tentative hope that will at least begin to alleviate some of these deep fears.
As we enter 2025, and as I establish myself more solidly as a sexagenarian, I will strive this year to 'finish unfinished business.' This has -- and will -- take many forms. Already, I have purged many unnecessary items from my home, and already I feel a great sense of peace in my home as I move through my newly uncluttered spaces. Beyond my physical surroundings, I am going through email (as well as snail mail) to identify any and all opportunities for completion. Some examples of this... I have sought and obtained replacements for cookware that were under a lifetime warranty. I have also reconnected with a friend with whom I lost touch last year. Perhaps most substantively, I've committed to addressing unresolved issues that directly impact my mental health and well-being. This includes identifying new "targets" to work on in therapy (EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I've already identified one challenging trauma from children that left me in tears last week as I discussed it with my therapist for the first time. Yet, it's important to address, and has been... well, unfinished business for many years. Whatever this year might bring, I want to bring my best self to it, and positively and proactively impact what I can do to improve my own circumstances, regardless of whatever else might happen 'around' me.
The abuse that I experienced has devastated my spiritual life and shattered my trust not only in myself and in others, especially religious authorities, but also in God, whom I used to trust implicitly. I would be so grateful if this year could bring healing to my relationship with God and increase my ability to trust at least God and myself, if not others (although I have every intention of retaining a healthy skepticism about authorities). If my spiritual life could again be even a fraction of what it used to be—if I could actually pray and sense God’s love for me the way I used to be able to—it would be such a blessing. I don’t know if I can bring myself to actually hope for those things—I’m rather resigned to a truncated relationship with God—but it would be really nice if God could bring some healing into that aspect of my life.
Thank you for listening. I’ll have the January Reading Roundup coming soon!
Peace,
Sara