Survivors' Voices: This Year
As we begin a new year, I asked the In Spirit and Truth Survivors’ Voices Panel for their thoughts on the theme “This Year.” Their reflections are varied and fascinating, giving a small peek into the lives of these women and men:
2025 has arrived. So what is the same? The bishop is still giving me the silent treatment. I'm still banned from participation in various diocesan activities because I won't go along with their lie that I was in love with the priest I reported for abuse. But here's a new one: I went to a discipleship workshop and the speaker asked us to engage in asking the Holy Spirit to share with us the heart of God, what God wanted to say to each of us. I volunteered to be the group's guinea pig and the next thing I knew, the whole room was praying for the Holy Spirit to reveal the heart of the Father for me to all the participants. Multiple people saw fire, the sign of the Holy Spirit. Two in particular shared pointed comments. One said, "God sees your suffering. He wants you to know many souls are being saved because of you." The other shared the scripture story of Jesus telling the little girl to rise (from the dead). She said, "God says He knows part of you has died. He calls you to rise." Well, 2025. God is up to something. So let's get to it.
I was asked to give some reflections on Hope for a parish woman's gathering the first week of January. I've never given a "talk" or reflection on anything before. I thought it ironic to speak on Hope, but in the course of my preparation, I decided to be honest and, as part of my presentation, reveal that I was a victim of clergy abuse. It was freeing to be honest and to be known. I have no plans to speak in specifics about my abuse story, but I think my presentation on Hope was more real, and perhaps more helpful as the participants could understand that my talk was not a theoretical exercise, but came from a lived experience.
I am dreading finding out what new scandal will hit this year and watching in horror as the Church will, once again, make a mockery of justice. Perhaps that is cynical but it is what the last few years have taught me. I intend to care for myself by not immersing myself in the news as much and to balance what I read with something edifying and good.
My hope for this year is to continue to cultivate the virtue of hope for myself and others. Practically, I want to do more things that bring me joy. I want to find opportunities to share my gift of music with others and start painting again after several years of inaction.
God, in His infinite mercy (and I suspect sense of humor) seems to be calling my husband to discern the diaconate. Later this month, all the candidates, potential candidates, and their wives are meeting with the people in charge of training deacons for our diocese. I've very much enjoyed not being privy to or entangled in diocesan going ons, and that might be all about to end-- and my husband might become a clergy member! I trust God has a plan for us in all this, and maybe even for my experience specifically as a survivor, but there's a lot of unknowns too.
2025 will be a banner year for me. It has been ten years since my first memories surfaced, at age 62. The earliest of those years was spent in massive disorientation, confusion, denial and at times, stupor and/or uncontrolled tears…and a lot of therapy. Shame soon followed, along with self-blame and feelings of worthlessness. By the third year, anger hit, including bouts of rage. Anger lasted a very long time. Flashbacks and nightmares were frequent, and it felt like I would NEVER find my way back to any normalcy. Fast forward to 2025 – this year holds amazing hope and recognition of how far I’ve come. Ongoing therapy, support groups, body work, and deep friendships with other survivors have been the backbone of my recovery. I’m now writing a book, and beginning work as a coach to help other survivors find their path of healing. The courage to speak my truth, be of service, and even participate in education and activism to bring attention to the abuse crisis, are testimony to my resilience, determination and hard work. Memories continue to surface, some horrific and intense, but I know I have a large toolbox of coping mechanisms and a great support system. Setbacks continue to be part of this journey, but I refuse to let them rob me of my confidence that this healing is real, and good can come of it as I continue to reconstruct and return to the self I was meant to be.
I will have more reflections on this theme next week. In the meantime, let’s all pray that 2025 will be a year of growth and healing for all who have been wounded by abuse.
Peace,
Sara
PS: If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.