Survivors' Voices: Triggers
I didn’t fully understand the concept of “triggers” until I began spending so much time with abuse survivors, who tend to use this word in our conversations quite frequently. It’s a simple shorthand to describe the way that traumatic memories can sneak up on a person in the middle of everyday life, sometimes quite unexpectedly.
Triggers are a difficult thing for many abuse survivors to talk about, so I’m grateful to those who have chosen to share their reflections here, to help the rest of us better understand. I will share more answers in Part 2 next week.
If you have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, I would be honored to include your perspective in this “Survivors’ Voices” series. You can find more information and express your interest here.
Reflections on Triggers
The scary thing about triggers is that they can sneak up on you. This could be a song, significant date on the calendar, sound, or smell. They can turn a happy moment into a small time capsule where you are catapulted back to some of the worst moments of your life in an instant. Triggers don't care where you are or what you are doing, but they love to overwhelm.
One trigger that took me by surprise was having a priest trace the sign of the cross on my head unexpectedly during the course of a conversation. I was a hot mess for the rest of the afternoon. I really didn't like the fact that he touched me suddenly and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. Sounds like an innocuous thing, but it made me feel really powerless and reminded me of my assault.
I’m triggered by being in a confessional - especially one with a screen; can't do it. Hearing O Salutaris Hostia or priests screaming. Being anywhere near the office of the priest who abused me. Seeing the white collar. Seeing priests in cassocks. Being gaslit by diocesan staff. Some of these I'm a little better around with lots of therapy. But not most of them.
I've found that certain religious societies and groups are very triggering, especially groups that have "superstar" members that everyone loves and talks about ("Oh, so-and-so is VERY holy, I just LOVE listening to him. I got to have a conversation with him and it was SUCH a blessing"). I used to associate pretty heavily with one of these groups, and while I still maintain a friendship with a couple individual members, I've had to start avoiding the group as a whole for the most part.
Not being one to be triggered, I was shocked when it happened to me. For the first time in 40 years, I was thrown back emotionally to a time when I felt very vulnerable and threatened. The actual trigger was a song, but it occurred following a discussion with my spiritual director about the emotional and verbal abuse of my current pastor. I was in my car and this song came on, a song which was current during the time I was abused, threatened, gaslighted and stalked. It was on the radio one time when he slapped me. I had always liked the song, but after that one time, it always made me a little uncomfortable. Hearing the song in my car years later, I immediately had a feeling of rage and an overflowing of strength. I pounded on the steering wheel and yelled "No!" Almost immediately I realized what was happening to me, and though I was shocked, I was also proud of my reaction. To say "no" and react in a way that indicated I was unwilling to tolerate this new abuse was empowering and gave me the certainty of knowing I was DONE with threatening or abusive behaviors toward me. I had never had such a strong reaction - or even much of a reaction. I have, for many years, considered this abuse to be in the past, and it rarely has any impact on my day-to-day life. Making the connection between the past situation and my current one was my spirit telling me I was not in a good place, physically or emotionally. It was time to extricate myself, which meant leaving a job I loved for my own well-being. It was a tough decision, but the right one.
In some ways, triggers are like Tigger. They spring up and tackle you with all their might when you least expect to be knocked over so overwhelmingly. Though unlike Tigger, there is no enthusiastic love or joy involved--just usually panic, fear, disassociation and self-blame.
I am triggered by seeing really intimate images or nude images of spiritual things because my abuser used images to confuse/seduce me. I hate that so much.
A trigger for me is when I get news that one of our siblings' grandchildren are baptized or makes their first communion. Our children left the Catholic faith when they were attending a Catholic high school, and we did not find this out until after they were married. Those special times are lost to us and this is sad, yet I am glad my grandchildren are not saddled with a rigid, dogmatic belief system like I was. My children said it took them a long time to unravel the damage to their minds and hearts from Catholicism. I left the church in 1989 to save my life. I think I will never get over how the Church abandoned me when I told what happened to me.
This specific trigger is like a monster trigger for me: Many years ago, I was walking down the aisle of the drug store where the soap was located. As I walked by the soap, I smelled the Irish Spring soap. That was the soap my abuser used. I was blindsided; I never saw it coming. Immediately the scent affected all five senses. From there, the scent took over my brain with unpleasant memories. For the next week or so, that's all I thought about. The scent of the Irish Spring soap was so incredibly powerful. It consumed me.
My deepest thanks to the men and women who had the courage to share these reflections. I pray you find continued healing, support, and strength.
Peace,
Sara