Survivors' Voices: What I Want to Say to Catholics 2022, Part 2
The first installment of this post - What I Want to Say to Catholics, 2022 - has quickly become the second-most-read piece on this blog, thanks to many subscribers who shared within their own networks.
I’m honored to be able to share more reflections today, and I hope you will consider passing these along as well.
I want Catholics to know that my contribution is a gift given to a church I care about but no longer am a part of. I didn’t leave in anger, shame, or fear, but waited until my decision was a healthy step forward for me. I want Catholics to know that some of us share through this blog, through Awake, and through other formats because we want something better for everyone harmed, something better for humanity, and because we are respected by the people who provide the venues to share. I want Catholics to know that I share with the intention of a collective healing, a healing that includes the Catholic Church itself.
What clergy abuse survivors really need is gentleness, compassion, and space to heal. We need Church leaders and members to step up and be Christ to those who are hurting. Healing is part of the Church's mission. It's not of God to leave people broken.
It’s one thing to know about Christ and to sit in a pew listening to the gospel and homily. It’s another to be open to allow the word to transform how we think and act outside of mass. After my abuse was made public, I continued to attend mass at the same church where the pastor banned me from any ministry for reporting the priest. I stayed throughout the lawsuit, in spite of how I went from being respected and cared for to being despised by many. The pastor who served as the shepherd could have demonstrated Christ’s love by welcoming me back into ministry (singing) when I felt ready to return. It would have helped the parishioners to accept me as well, following his example. Being doers of the word rather than just hearers of the word is what demonstrates true Christian attitude and behavior.
I believe more could be done by dioceses to distribute information on grooming and abuse of people of any age. With education, understanding is increased; this reduces judgment that is based on a lack of knowledge.
The nature of the Catholic priesthood (all men, celibate, "ontological change" at ordination) and clericalism (the hierarchy, authoritarian) are at the root of the problem, along with a negative view of human sexuality. Children, men, women, nuns, brothers and seminarians/priests have all been victims of sexual abuse and will continue to be as long as the root causes are not addressed by the church. If lay people work for change in the church and for their own empowerment, if they work for the full inclusion of women, if they work for LGBTQ rights - the church may one day really change.
I am blessed that, while I live with shame and have difficulty trusting people, I have never lost my relationship with God. Although I did take a break for a while, I do regularly attend and worship weekly at Mass. What happened as a child was not my fault, but I continue to struggle with feeling worthy to receive the Eucharist. I pray daily to be open to the graces of this Sacrament.
Survivors like me are aware of what is really happening behind the Church’s platitudes and promises regarding the abuse crisis. I want practicing Catholics to know that THE CHURCH IS LYING TO YOU. Or at least they are misleading you into thinking that they are truly dealing with the problem. I assure you that they are not! Abuse continues to happen. The Church does not welcome survivors or whistleblowers who attempt to report abuse; too many times they are minimized, ignored, or even attacked. The Church continues to protect the criminal priests. They admit fault only when they know they cannot win. This is common knowledge among survivors and their allies. Please consider reading Awake’s Synod Report – the report is based on real people sharing their personal experiences, and it’s far more accurate than anything the Church might tell you.
People say it will never change, never be better. It can be better. But it is going to require something of each of us. A decision to be part of the solution. Love is a decision, not a feeling.
I wish you knew how much it hurts my heart that I’m not at church with you, my fellow parishioners whom I’ve loved and considered my parish family for so many years. I wish I could tell you why and that you could pray for me. I wish you knew the extent of the pain and PTSD it takes to keep me away. I miss you.
Thank you for reading and for caring.
If you are a praying person, please pray for each person who contributes to this blog - and for open minds and hearts among all Catholics.
~ Sara
If you have experienced sexual abuse in the Catholic Church, I would be honored to include your perspective in this “Survivors’ Voices” series. You can find more information here: An Invitation for Survivors.