In many ways, the foundation of this Survivors’ Voices series is my belief that all people deserve to be heard - including those who have experienced abuse by religious leaders.
The indifference I experienced in my diocese has done great harm to me and worsened my PTSD. During my childhood sexual abuse there was also so much Spiritual abuse and twisting of the truth. Disassociating and fear became a part of everyday. The saddest part is that it affects my faith, in myself and the church but recently also in God. Where is He in this abuse issue? I can’t connect with him like I used to. Survivors are not heard because most Bishops and priests don’t care. It’s hard to heal and remain Catholic. So I do remain Catholic because of the Mass, but I can’t heal.
Until these last few months where I now have a pastor who is pastoral. He listens to my fears and confusion and is helping me sort out the chaos my mind is in concerning my faith. I have kept the terror that was instilled in me concerning God and priests and these powers they have for a long time. I really seemed unable to figure out what was real and if God wanted me. I once loved my Faith but my church betrayed me. But having even one priest care enough to listen and help me is making such a huge difference. When I talk with my pastor I come away feeling like I have more truth. And I feel a sense of safety. My anxiety goes down and I am able to feel peace and once again enter into moments with God. Of course there is so much for me to unravel but the fact that my priest is willing to hear me and help me gives me a sense that a priest, who represents the church cares and Jesus cares. I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me enormously. However it was 2 priests who sexually and spiritually abused me. So there is a part of healing that needs a priest for me to have faith in my church and in my place before God.
And to add to that I experienced another priest hear me on my recent Retreat. During one of the activities we had hard foam bats and a big hard foam box we could hit and yell out our anger at our abusers. I yelled and banged that foam bat and swore at all the priests and Bishops of today that have hurt me when I began to have flashbacks. It felt great. When I was done a priest stood up and asked me if he could take a few swings on my behalf at my abusers. I said yes. I’ve always felt such fear of them I couldn’t address them. He took a lot of big swings yelling at them for what they did to me. It took me by surprise and I watched him and realized someone was sticking up for me. And it was a game changer. I realize now that I can also get very angry at those abusers. I’m not alone. I’m home now and woke up this morning and swore at both those abusers. It felt great. It’s been years of being unheard and suddenly I have found 2 priests who have heard me. What a blessing they have been to me. And it makes such a difference in healing.
Thank you for sharing this Kathy. I am so sorry for all the ways you have not been heard over the years - and also grateful for these 2 priests who have made such a difference to you today. You deserve that compassion and support.
The indifference I experienced in my diocese has done great harm to me and worsened my PTSD. During my childhood sexual abuse there was also so much Spiritual abuse and twisting of the truth. Disassociating and fear became a part of everyday. The saddest part is that it affects my faith, in myself and the church but recently also in God. Where is He in this abuse issue? I can’t connect with him like I used to. Survivors are not heard because most Bishops and priests don’t care. It’s hard to heal and remain Catholic. So I do remain Catholic because of the Mass, but I can’t heal.
Until these last few months where I now have a pastor who is pastoral. He listens to my fears and confusion and is helping me sort out the chaos my mind is in concerning my faith. I have kept the terror that was instilled in me concerning God and priests and these powers they have for a long time. I really seemed unable to figure out what was real and if God wanted me. I once loved my Faith but my church betrayed me. But having even one priest care enough to listen and help me is making such a huge difference. When I talk with my pastor I come away feeling like I have more truth. And I feel a sense of safety. My anxiety goes down and I am able to feel peace and once again enter into moments with God. Of course there is so much for me to unravel but the fact that my priest is willing to hear me and help me gives me a sense that a priest, who represents the church cares and Jesus cares. I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me enormously. However it was 2 priests who sexually and spiritually abused me. So there is a part of healing that needs a priest for me to have faith in my church and in my place before God.
And to add to that I experienced another priest hear me on my recent Retreat. During one of the activities we had hard foam bats and a big hard foam box we could hit and yell out our anger at our abusers. I yelled and banged that foam bat and swore at all the priests and Bishops of today that have hurt me when I began to have flashbacks. It felt great. When I was done a priest stood up and asked me if he could take a few swings on my behalf at my abusers. I said yes. I’ve always felt such fear of them I couldn’t address them. He took a lot of big swings yelling at them for what they did to me. It took me by surprise and I watched him and realized someone was sticking up for me. And it was a game changer. I realize now that I can also get very angry at those abusers. I’m not alone. I’m home now and woke up this morning and swore at both those abusers. It felt great. It’s been years of being unheard and suddenly I have found 2 priests who have heard me. What a blessing they have been to me. And it makes such a difference in healing.
Thank you for sharing this Kathy. I am so sorry for all the ways you have not been heard over the years - and also grateful for these 2 priests who have made such a difference to you today. You deserve that compassion and support.