Survivors' Voices: Being Heard
In many ways, the foundation of this Survivors’ Voices series is my belief that all people deserve to be heard - including those who have experienced abuse by religious leaders. While there is only so much I as an individual can do to change the circumstances and systems that lead to this harm, I can at least provide one small way for people to share their voices and stories.
This month, I asked for reflections on exactly this topic - being heard. Here’s what people had to say:
This question reminds me of grade school, learning about the five Ws as a tool for investigation and understanding: who (me), what (was abused), when (in 2017), where (in his diocese), and why (because my abuser was a terrible person and the system enabled him). While this framework might be useful in journalism, it’s not helpful in everyday conversations about my abuse. It's difficult for me when people listen to my story and immediately fixate on the ‘whys’: why did this happen, why did he get away with it for so long, why do people still support him. Those questions matter for systemic healing and justice, but they don’t address my spiritual pain. They're about the abuser, not about me. Being truly heard isn’t about someone understanding the ‘why’ - it’s when they encounter and love the who.’
The first thought that came to mind about not being heard was the day I was to speak to the bishop. I was scheduled for a 30 minute time spot. The Holy Spirit clearly intervened and had me arrive early. When I got there I learned that the bishop was double booked. If I hadn't arrived early, I won't have met with him at all. The other party was far more important. So hurry in - because you now only have 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes to try to coherently describe the grave harm that had happened over multiple years. People familiar with trauma realize that speech is one of the areas most restricted when one is triggered. And don't sound angry. And make sure its coherent and organized. But sincere. Don't forget to be sincere. Because you are being judged on whether you are truthful. Your timeline had better be right. I'm sorry. Your time is up. I got to go.
I recently made the difficult decision to resign from an organization with which I have been affiliated for 16 years - more than half its existence. I did all of this because, ironically, I could no longer align with the ethics of this organization. Prior to making this decision, I spent months speaking with a variety of individuals holding leadership (and a few non-leadership) positions within this organization. A few people, including the CEO, truly heard me. I felt respected, acknowledged, even validated. Others did not hear me at all. After hearing my ethical concerns, one leader wrote me an email saying that "perhaps you may be over-thinking this and introducing unnecessary complexity into the process."My carefully articulated concerns (nine pages worth) were dismissed as irrelevant, and so was I. Talk about not feeling heard... This experience has been challenging, as I chose to let go of a big part of my identity. It was also challenging because it brought me right back to the ways in which I was vilified, and truly not heard, by the people who learned of the abuse and exploitation I experienced. Perhaps that helped prepare me for this, in a way.
I looked up “being heard” and the definition was “being actively listened to.” It can be incredibly painful when our stories get dismissed, ignored, ridiculed or attacked, especially when it’s from friends, family, or the church. Sharing what happened to us is often raw and painful, especially in the early years of our healing, and it’s difficult to predict how someone might react. One of my sisters was incredibly empathetic, and even shared something she heard about the perpetrator that validated my story. That was profound. Another sister got angry at me for pursuing the Church. The topper, however, was the very first attorney I called. It was very early in my healing. I didn’t know there were specialists in clergy abuse back then. After pouring out my raw, broken emotions and answering his very rapid-fire insensitive questions, he said, “Let me get this straight. You want to sue someone over something that happened 50 years ago. You have no documentation. And he’s dead now. Do I have that right?!?” I felt like I’d been stabbed in the gut. The shock and shame were overwhelming. I broke down and was not able to pick up the phone to call another attorney for a year! That is NOT being heard. Being heard involves at least some semblance of kindness and compassion and an open mind, which that attorney did not have.
I remember the first time I shared part of my story with my now husband. He was quiet but had his full attention on me. I felt overexposed and embarrassed, but the next day he told me how glad he was that I trusted him enough to share that with him. He reflected back some of what I had said and how it impacted him. It made me feel like he heard my story and really let it impact him.
I will have more reflections on this theme next week. In the meantime, perhaps you can reach out and listen deeply to someone who needs to be heard.
Peace,
Sara
PS: If you have experienced any form of abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.
The indifference I experienced in my diocese has done great harm to me and worsened my PTSD. During my childhood sexual abuse there was also so much Spiritual abuse and twisting of the truth. Disassociating and fear became a part of everyday. The saddest part is that it affects my faith, in myself and the church but recently also in God. Where is He in this abuse issue? I can’t connect with him like I used to. Survivors are not heard because most Bishops and priests don’t care. It’s hard to heal and remain Catholic. So I do remain Catholic because of the Mass, but I can’t heal.
Until these last few months where I now have a pastor who is pastoral. He listens to my fears and confusion and is helping me sort out the chaos my mind is in concerning my faith. I have kept the terror that was instilled in me concerning God and priests and these powers they have for a long time. I really seemed unable to figure out what was real and if God wanted me. I once loved my Faith but my church betrayed me. But having even one priest care enough to listen and help me is making such a huge difference. When I talk with my pastor I come away feeling like I have more truth. And I feel a sense of safety. My anxiety goes down and I am able to feel peace and once again enter into moments with God. Of course there is so much for me to unravel but the fact that my priest is willing to hear me and help me gives me a sense that a priest, who represents the church cares and Jesus cares. I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me enormously. However it was 2 priests who sexually and spiritually abused me. So there is a part of healing that needs a priest for me to have faith in my church and in my place before God.
And to add to that I experienced another priest hear me on my recent Retreat. During one of the activities we had hard foam bats and a big hard foam box we could hit and yell out our anger at our abusers. I yelled and banged that foam bat and swore at all the priests and Bishops of today that have hurt me when I began to have flashbacks. It felt great. When I was done a priest stood up and asked me if he could take a few swings on my behalf at my abusers. I said yes. I’ve always felt such fear of them I couldn’t address them. He took a lot of big swings yelling at them for what they did to me. It took me by surprise and I watched him and realized someone was sticking up for me. And it was a game changer. I realize now that I can also get very angry at those abusers. I’m not alone. I’m home now and woke up this morning and swore at both those abusers. It felt great. It’s been years of being unheard and suddenly I have found 2 priests who have heard me. What a blessing they have been to me. And it makes such a difference in healing.