In listening to the voices of survivors, I have made a real effort to connect with women and men who represent many perspectives, including in the way that they think about spirituality, God, and the Catholic Church. You can find that diversity of viewpoints demonstrated in these reflections on faith, and I am grateful to each individual who shared a reflection about their spiritual path in the aftermath of abuse.
The reflections expressed are deeply personal and beautifully expressed. Reading each one with an open mind and heart helped me to put into words my own thoughts about my faith. For me my faith in God is stronger. God worked out my abuse for the good because God can only create what is good. My faith in the institution that for so long covered up the abuse to protect the church from scandal at the expense of those injured is what is shattered. Without survivors speaking up, attorneys and a national advocacy support applying pressure things would still be covered up. Where I am right now is similar to someone who has experienced domestic violence or sexual assault in relationship who tries to focus only on the good while dismissing the darkness of it. It’s common to want to keep going back out of need, familiarity or dependency ignoring what happened. I listened to an interview by a daughter of an infamous serial killer once whose words stayed with me. When the interviewee asked her how she felt about her father incarcerated for life without parole she answered that she had to hold onto the fact that this was the father she knew and loved who walked her down the aisle on her wedding day. In order to get up each day she holds onto the love of her father but hates the serial killer. Otherwise the cognitive dissonance would tear her apart. Her brain can’t go there. When asked if she will visit him in the institution she said she won’t. She writes to him as she can focus on her relationship with her father without seeing the serial killer in prison via a monitor because he is in isolation for his protection. I hold onto any good I experienced from the church in my heart keeping it safe. I removed myself from the place of abuse in order to provide safety for my inner child to heal layers of abuse that the church abuse matched so closely where I can hold onto the Father while distancing myself from the institution. In doing so I realized I pulled Jesus and Mary out of the abuse too keeping them safe in the intimacy of my home until such a time the institution steps up with actions to back their words about treating abuse of all its members regardless of age seriously. There is a zero tolerance for abuse of children as should be. That should apply to that of adults as well. Until then I will protect myself and Jesus and stay away. My relationship with myself through Jesus outside the church walls has led to unifying integration and healing of deep wounds by listening to what I needed removing myself from the institution of abuse where as a child I could not do that. I couldn’t leave. So I learned to stay in abusive situations. I kept trying to return to mass doing the sane thing as people who experienced abuse continuing to return to the place of abuse hoping it will get better. But abusers don’t miraculously get better by promising to act better. It takes deep work to heal. I know. I have been doing that work. The church needs to do the same. Words are empty. Being pressured to admit wrong doing because they are being exposed is skin deep in my experience.
The reflections expressed are deeply personal and beautifully expressed. Reading each one with an open mind and heart helped me to put into words my own thoughts about my faith. For me my faith in God is stronger. God worked out my abuse for the good because God can only create what is good. My faith in the institution that for so long covered up the abuse to protect the church from scandal at the expense of those injured is what is shattered. Without survivors speaking up, attorneys and a national advocacy support applying pressure things would still be covered up. Where I am right now is similar to someone who has experienced domestic violence or sexual assault in relationship who tries to focus only on the good while dismissing the darkness of it. It’s common to want to keep going back out of need, familiarity or dependency ignoring what happened. I listened to an interview by a daughter of an infamous serial killer once whose words stayed with me. When the interviewee asked her how she felt about her father incarcerated for life without parole she answered that she had to hold onto the fact that this was the father she knew and loved who walked her down the aisle on her wedding day. In order to get up each day she holds onto the love of her father but hates the serial killer. Otherwise the cognitive dissonance would tear her apart. Her brain can’t go there. When asked if she will visit him in the institution she said she won’t. She writes to him as she can focus on her relationship with her father without seeing the serial killer in prison via a monitor because he is in isolation for his protection. I hold onto any good I experienced from the church in my heart keeping it safe. I removed myself from the place of abuse in order to provide safety for my inner child to heal layers of abuse that the church abuse matched so closely where I can hold onto the Father while distancing myself from the institution. In doing so I realized I pulled Jesus and Mary out of the abuse too keeping them safe in the intimacy of my home until such a time the institution steps up with actions to back their words about treating abuse of all its members regardless of age seriously. There is a zero tolerance for abuse of children as should be. That should apply to that of adults as well. Until then I will protect myself and Jesus and stay away. My relationship with myself through Jesus outside the church walls has led to unifying integration and healing of deep wounds by listening to what I needed removing myself from the institution of abuse where as a child I could not do that. I couldn’t leave. So I learned to stay in abusive situations. I kept trying to return to mass doing the sane thing as people who experienced abuse continuing to return to the place of abuse hoping it will get better. But abusers don’t miraculously get better by promising to act better. It takes deep work to heal. I know. I have been doing that work. The church needs to do the same. Words are empty. Being pressured to admit wrong doing because they are being exposed is skin deep in my experience.