Survivors' Voices: Where Was God?

Recently, I had a conversation with an elderly survivor who shared that, although she believes in God, she has struggled her whole life with one question: "Where was God when I was being abused?" I have spoken to other survivors who wrestle with this same question, trying to make sense of their painful experience in light of what they believe — or what other people say — about God.

As anyone who has experienced deep suffering understands, there are no easy answers to this question. But, especially as Catholics enter into Holy Week, I thought it would be valuable to explore the various ways people have grappled with this question in their own lives. Here is what the Survivors’ Voices Panel had to share:

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• At the time, I knew about God. He was very powerful but clearly didn't have time for the likes of someone like me. I was lower than dirt. Why would he waste his time?

• When I was admitted to the hospital for suicidality at the age of 48, the doctor assigned to me could see that I was extremely fragile and in a state of terror - terrified to be in the hospital, yet equally as terrified to set even one foot outside my hospital room. He was one of the few doctors over my many years of illness that had actually read my entire file. After asking me several questions to fill in the complete picture, he asked me if I had a religious or spiritual path, in the hopes he could find a level of built-in support to start from. I remember telling him that I’d left the Catholic Church in 1969, at the age of 17, and since then had reached a point where I didn’t even know if there could be a God. As he gently continued the subject, I begged him to answer for me, “If there was a God, how could He have allowed so many horrible things to happen to someone who’d been so good her entire life?” It was clear I felt completely forsaken. That began a very slow yet steady journey to explore an aspect of my psyche that few MDs would ever have taken on. But he did. And it paid off. It’s been 25 years since that day, and I slowly but surely, one baby step at a time, explored every aspect of God, of religion and eventually, of spirituality. I ultimately found a deeply meaningful spiritual path, which has guided much of my healing, just from that one planted seed.

• It took me a long time - the time during my abuse and about five years after - of feeling rejected by God, like He tolerated me but didn't really like me, before that aspect of my relationship with God began to heal. I've found a lot of solace in the concept of the "Dark Night of the Soul" that a lot of saints have described - just because one experiences a lack of God's perceivable presence doesn't mean God has abandoned them.

• I was at a retreat for sexual abuse victims, when I hear someone say "God cried when you were abused." I thought that was the strangest thing - Why would he cry? He'd have to care. It made no sense to me. We were invited to sit in Eucharistic Adoration and ask Jesus what we really wanted to know. Jesus used the time to ask me questions: "Do you remember where your aunt found you the day your mother died?" Yes, I answered, laying in the flower bed at the feet of a Virgin Mary statue. Jesus went on: “You know my mother. She rocked you when you were scared. You were so little. She sang the same lullabies to you that she sang to me." Jesus walked me through the events of my life, proving he knew me. Knew my story. He was always with me, no matter what happened. I was never alone. And yes, he cried when I was being abused.

• Where was God during that evil, harrowing, lonely, excruciating time? Completely absent. That’s what it felt like, that’s what it looked like, to me. The complete absence of God. There was no sign of hope, no sign of God’s presence, for months of desperately long days and sleepless nights. It was a haunting, dark absence of love and hope. However, in a dark mystery I cannot still explain, I learned in this period that God could be present even in absence, in situations of dark impasse. During this time, I would often walk to our parish church in the evenings, and sneak in to pray in the empty nave. I remember one evening, kneeling in the pew, the only light was coming from the spotlight shining on the large wooden crucifix hanging behind the altar. I was looking at it, and in the depths of frustration and despair I prayed, “God, do you know how I feel, do you see this pain? Do you have any idea how much this hurts?” Looking up at Christ crucified through my tears, I realized in an instant that, in the crucifixion, God knew exactly how I felt. As Father, bereft. As Creator, betrayed. As Christ, crucified. Whose “why has thou forsaken me?” was not quickly answered. I can’t say that I sensed God’s presence then. But I began at least to understand that God could encompass and comprehend the depth of all my pain and loss.

• I thought I knew where God was during the abuse—I didn’t see it as abuse at the time and I thought He was right there, encouraging me to stay in the situation, to keep going despite the suffering. And He even gave signs that that was what He wanted. “Take up your cross and follow Me,” right? When I finally got out of the situation, I felt primarily like I’d abandoned God—while simultaneously feeling that He’d abandoned me. It was devastating. It took years for me to realize I’d been being abused and that that wasn’t what God wanted for me. So where was He in all of it? I wish I knew, wish I could understand. It's hard not to feel like God is the one who hurt me, just as much as, if not more than, the abuser. My faith tells me that’s not true—that God is all-loving and would not be the source of abuse nor side with abusers—but it certainly doesn’t feel that way.

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Thank you for listening to these reflections and taking them to heart. I hope you will carry them with you throughout Holy Week and pray for all who feel abandoned by God.

I will share a few more reflections on this theme on Good Friday.

Peace,
Sara

PS: If you have experienced abuse by a Catholic leader and would like to share your own thoughts on this or future topics, I would be grateful to include your perspective. You can find information about joining the Survivors’ Voices Panel here: An Invitation for Survivors.